i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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