You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
