my phone cant type all the emotion im having
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
