remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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