Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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