So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
