Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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