And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
