I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
