youre lurking in front of me
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
