New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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