my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
