the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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