i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
i think my cat just said my name.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
