you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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