I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
