I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I love having hate sex.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
