Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Dignity is for republicans.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
