Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Let's paint friendship bongs
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Randomize
