I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Verdict: uncircumcised.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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