I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Randomize
