oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
