dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Your shirt... Was in my pants
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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