I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
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