Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
