Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
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