What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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