how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
