I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
