I got chris browned last night
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
