Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
