So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I was able to overlook the Affliction tee until he took it off and there was another tattooed on his body.
Was it at least attractive minus the Gargoyles or skulls... or whatever affliction is putting out these days?
Even a greek god couldn't pull it off. Told him I like Ed Hardy Better. Death Before Dishonor, baby. I'm sure it was a painful blow. hopefully he understands sarcasm.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
