wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
