i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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