we have officially lost it.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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