uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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