I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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