Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
