My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
