There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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