One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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