it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
