4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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