when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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