the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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