Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
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