Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
