She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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