Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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