I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Randomize
