If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
