I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
