Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
