i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
